Read introduction

Part 1, June 15,2012 and Part 2, February 2,2014 almost a 2 year growth from drugs pain torture to a better life of Sobriety Faith Love and Serenity!
The heart ache of reality....

You held the gun, I pulled the trigger... Part 1&2

Cam00730by Beautiful Felon21 Feb 2014

Part 1:
Welcome to a side of me, the side I never thought you would see, listen up close so you're no longer mislead, and excuse the language as I fire this warning shot into your head, metaphorically speaking just poetically, yea, I thought about it and you're not worth the felony, the skeleton in my closet ain't that lonely yet, and the memories are still too new the fucking bloods still wet, anyway... I'll save the love poetry for a rainy day, and maybe when your god is done puking rainbows and cotton candy bits, I'll call upon my Twisted God show you fucks how we handle shit, (L.O.L) I think I'm only joking, I watch as you try to swallow my words but inside I know your choking, and if your gonna ride my ass when I decide to go anywhere, please make it fun for me too and at least pull my fucking hair, always remember this I wont let you forget, you asked me to move here something im sure you now regret, not exactly what you had in mind Ill assume, not to worry the way my head is its not long till im in a padded room, locked up in a jacket that could be fun to fuck in, get stuck in, and stay that way to shock the nurse that brings my medicine, introduce an addict to a new way to get her sin, and wow she gets addicted what the fuck did you think would happen?, its like a fucked off cycle at the top its you and me, rolling down one side what do you know we both like G, throwing into this mess your pill habits and my pill history, OMG were meant for each other now ill shoot you up and you do me, but Ashley likes meth and Kevin not so much, and black is out of the question cuz that's what Kevin wont let her touch, and at first she used meth just as a fucking crutch, to numb the pain and then regain her life back from fallin into the ruts, and she still seems to question herself though, looking into the mirror screaming why cant you fucking just let go?, retrace your footsteps baby girl go back to what you know, this is NOT the Ashley we use to love why cant you let HER show?, how do you see the meaning in the purpose for why I'm alive, when all my pain and all my fears for some reason always collide, when I get stuck in my thoughts yet again and your no longer at my side, my only assumption turns out to be true this free fall was NOT worth the ride, YOU handed me the gun pointed to my head and watched me pull the trigger, helped me make it easy to be numb when I wanted something bigger, you knew deep down inside yourself exactly what it would do to me, sometimes I feel id rather die but I know im not that lucky, falling into this addiction go big or go the fuck home, you would rather share your weakness with me so you no longer feel so alone, but like I said before all you did was help guide my hand to the right spot, then sat there without a care as you watched me take the shot....
Part 2:
That funny side I let you see, when I lost control and let you prey on me, when I weakened myself knowing somewhere inside I was bigger, that moment you held on tight and smiled as you watched me pull the trigger, those memories like snow melting away, nobody is a perfect seam eventually we all begin to fray, the path's we choose to take in life can derail at any moment, we can choose to sit in the chaos or come out stronger and this time show it, I chose to let you get under my skin, I chose to fear this monster I've created within, I chose to lower my self worth and I lowered standards set for myself, at that time I felt semi-ok with me and dropped advise from everyone else, I believed in some kind of twisted god and that he laid out this life for me, thinking how could I be doing wrong when failure is my only destiny?, I would have never said it then but holy shit was I way wrong, the aftermath from the gun shot clouded my head a little too long, hating myself for the damage I've done, while doing that I made it so much easier for me to simply run, numbing myself completely to where my self hatred became a comfort thing, that fucked off cycle I mentioned before became my personal failing ring, like a twistedly slow mary-go-round, no fare to take this ride just prepare to watch your life hit the ground, and at that time I probably would have done 25+ just to watch your life end, but now I'm too damn busy trying to make my own life mend, the blood is all dried up and yes those haunting memories have faded too, now instead of spending my days all numb I think I'll try something new, I've finally retraced my footsteps back to the Ashley I thought was lost, asked for her forgiveness no matter what the cost, you see... it took me to forgive myself to remember inside my soul is bigger, and I thank our amazing God for helping me survive through pulling my own trigger.