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'Twenty Years to Destroy an Existence' was recently created during one of my sporadic ‘glass half full’ periods of abyssal sorrow which come suddenly and depart with equal suddenness, rarely lasting for more than a week or two. On occasion, they might last longer when one such period gives way to another; but they are rare, if intense, occurring approximately three times a year, and centring largely on what I perceive to be past mistakes centring on the sentimental and/or professional spheres of my existence. I’ve been prone to them since about 2014, no longer, and while I consider myself to be a sufferer from depression of a low-grade, long-term variety, for the most part I operate within my condition with a degree, paradoxical as this might seem, of content. Thence, it is my belief that it is possible to be mildly depressed, without the existence of melancholy, even on a long-term basis, and to love and enjoy life, albeit within the sequestered existence depression tends to demand of sufferers.

Twenty Years to Destroy an Existence

Def._2015_36_by Carl Halling10 Apr 2017

Twenty Years to Destroy an Existence

How I try to count my blessings,
They do little to ease my saudade,
Look to the past
For some consolation,
But the past remains resistant,
O woe, where is hope?
I feel so old, and so alone…

Twenty years to destroy an existence,
Is all it took,
To steal my contentment,
Look to the past for a glimmer of peace,
To the past for a little release.
O woe, where is hope?
I feel so old, and so alone…

On one level, I feel so blessed,
Cleave to life with all my strength,
There’s so much to be thankful about,
‘Til I sink back into deepest night,
O woe, where is hope?
I feel so old, and so alone…