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Over the last two years I had slowly started taking to drinking with some of my friends. Which started as me trying to keep me and my ex-girlfriend together, because I couldn't just relax and have a drink with her. Though as it continued it became more than me just trying to drown my feelings for her, it was me trying to drown all my failures and my depression and my anger. I didn't drink to have fun with my "friends". I was truly drinking to "feel better" but it only made it worse. I swore I'd never start drinking. My faith in myself in a God, and other things has waivered so much, and it seems these thoughts go in cycles, and September is where it starts.

September Again

10600587_10204764587811044_3323353174422219428_nby Devin Mitchell Durbin01 Sep 2013

It’s always in September
When my guilt begins to rise again,
And I contemplate where my life has gone.
Note, I've come far enough
To know my life has been more right
Than wrong.
Though, as I admit my alcoholism,
And the fact that I’m only inches away
From a drink, and a step, and a drop…

Oh, look! I am in hell.
I’m looking myself in the face.
Fourteen year old me, screaming,
“Where did I go wrong?”

You started believing in science, utopia,
You dreamed and reached for the stars,
But it was not enough.
Then you met her, an anchor,
A weight.
You fell in love, and lost your way –
The break up killed your heart,
And you made bad friends,
And you lost faith,
And realize you were building up to this.
And you created a fiction,
You denounced a god,
Because faith is for those without hope
Who wish to see it.

I could swear up and down
That I would figure it out.
To the stars, through the skies.
I’d be up on top over and out,
But to look me in the eye…

You see the truth, I lied to myself.
Thought I could do it without you.
You made it out finally, that world is behind you.
Though there are a thousand ghosts more
Than the one that I've dwelt on, known as a girl.
There are plenty more ghosts that live in your heart.
It’s progress, and you've made it without a drink
For at least two weeks, maybe more,
But the addictions still there, and you know you want more.
It’s easy to get, and the other addictions,
The parts of you that you despise, still want you.
And I wish I could tell you
“It’s over”
But the fight has just begun.