Ninety Nine Problems

10600587_10204764587811044_3323353174422219428_nby Devin Mitchell Durbin07 Feb 2014

I don’t know what I’m doing,
Yeah, I’m twenty one
And I don’t know what I’m doing
Where I’m going,
Where I’m turning.
I sleep, but I’m not sleeping.
I lay awake in nightmares
Screaming.
I have religion,
But constantly am falling back
On excuses after excuses
Pleasure comes first,
Pleasure is my security,
And I don’t open up about
What makes me feel secure
In Satan’s evil kiss.

What are you saying,
What am I saying,
I lie awake at night
Thinking about the future
But I keep living in the past
Putting everything that I need to do
Just sitting in the back seat
On the back beat
On the bunson burner
Science has a method,
But my method is useless
Because it doesn’t get results
I just run from my problems
Instead of pursuing them.

Can you tell me what I’m feeling?
I don’t know what I’m feeling,
Except for confused and scared
I’m so under prepared
I feel like I’m that kid
Who is sitting at the arcade
He doesn't have any quarters
So he watches the demo over and over
And pretends to push the keys
I’m that kid, pushing the buttons
And pretending to be a functioning member of society
That’s what comes with sobriety right?

I took a bottle, I took a swig
Now look at me,
My heart is as bent as a twig
And it’s not getting any easier
To breathe, with my lungs twisted
Turned up in an autopsy as a cadaver
I’m dead already, so why fight?
There’s a hundred million people
Asking the same questions
We are a generation of dreamers
Who don’t know how to fight.
Our parents were so afraid of disappointing us
That they backed off, and got more strict,
Instead of teaching us how to make decisions
They taught us how to quit
And when we screwed up
Because they didn’t want us to give up
They would help us pick up the pieces.

Well mom, well dad
I’m passively aggressively telling you
To forget what you taught me
Forget what you said
Because I’m twenty one years old
And I feel no closer to being an adult
Than I did when I was still pissing on the sheets
That’s right,
I’m no more mature than a ten year old
Who has bladder problems
The only difference between me and him
Is that I’m living at college
Where thousands of dollars are spent
So that kids can go to school
And get out of their parents basements
Only to go home on the weekends
And sometimes go to church
To was, rinse, repent and repeat
And by Tuesday afternoon
They’ve forgotten their purpose
And their grades are slipping
Because they spend too much time
Trying to fight the good fight
And here I am
As a consistent reminder
That I’ve got ninety nine problems
And being upfront ain’t one
And I could use that
Why do I not have the strength
To stand up and say no?
Because you taught me to shut my mouth
And always say yes,
Even when you’re wrong
You were always right,
But this isn't about you
It’s up to me to make it right
Because no matter how often I try
Not to be just like you
When I look in my reflection
I see you in my eyes
And from then on out
I have to fight
To be someone that you never were.
Me.