I Have a Name.

10600587_10204764587811044_3323353174422219428_nby Devin Mitchell Durbin08 Apr 2014

"I have a confession to make
I really wanted to be just another pretty face.
Use me and abuse me,
that's what I wanted, a feminine taste
the wrong side of the tracks.
The things that feminism has been fighting against
I wanted it all for myself,
the bruises, the names,
I accepted it as all I was worth
I was willing to throw away the gifts of my birth
to cut away every piece of who I was.
To slip into a size zero a line black dress.
Take me by the hair, punch me in the face
I might be crying honey, but the way I want it,
Money; wasn't going to be an issue
I was gonna sell my soul to the open road
bare the looks but I was gonna go
I was ready to feel dirty, to feel the way I felt
I was willing to give up anything
even the family that I didn't deserve.
For something on this Earth, that scare women
into not giving birth.
I wanted to be tied up, choked, and gagged
led around on a leash and called a fag
even though I'd still lust for women,
I guess at that point it would have been the same.
It's what I wanted, what I needed
what I wanted to fill my soul with
each and every breath would have
been a fighting breath.
I didn't care a bit about my health
I would have let myself be a slave
that's what I felt like anyway.
I had so much freedom, but would be locked up in a cell
by my own fear and inhibitions, not wanting to fail
and the people that I surrounded myself with were supportive
of breaking myself into pieces, and telling me how i felt was accurate.
No one to build me up, just to keep my down.
I wanted to be reminded that I was a failure;
and only worth a smile and a hand out every once in awhile.
I abused myself in my dreams,
every time I would turn and scream
in the mirror at my face,
the poet would die more and more each day
the addict ran away
and slowly I dreamed of leaving both
and becoming the drag queen I felt I was;
maybe I'd hide away in New York City;
Live out Rent without the aids;
Just another virgin in a city full of sin and debauchery
it wouldn't last for long. I'd give it all away
because eventually I wouldn't be me
I'd be like a falling star.
I kept falling further. I wanted to go far
I didn't ever want to look back
at the boy that I was
he wasn't me anymore I had a name
and it was Toy."