A Conversation and a Prayer

10600587_10204764587811044_3323353174422219428_nby Devin Mitchell Durbin16 Sep 2014

I've been waiting a lifetime
To write these words unspoken
I've been waiting for hours
To clean myself in the showers
To get these broken memories
Out in the open.

Open the doors.
Scrub down the floors.
Get down on all fours.

I feel like a wreck
I feel like a nightmare
A broken melody left unchecked
I feel like a river
Devoid of water
Drier than the Sahara

But no matter
How i try to hide
Behind my excuses
You were always there

Even when I cried
especially when I died
When I wanted to cut into my heart
And tear my skin apart
You were right there
Breathing life into my corpse
You save me. From me.
Oh god.

I try to fight you every day
I try to push you away.
My words they cut into your skin
Like the lashes before the cross.

I always falter when I can speak of you
Like I'm ashamed of what you do.
The world has made me hate the things
That you say are wrong.

I find myself pleasing other people
By hiding in the dark,
Letting what you've done for me
Fester and mold.
I keep it all inside
And let you die
More and more each night.
But you go there every time.

Oh God,
I lie about my past
I keep things locked in
Some things that I'm just too embarrassed to speak.
About my mental state
And things that I would do
Behind closed doors.

Yet still you died for me
And die again
And I can see you on that cross
Yet still I sin
Knowingly against you.
I have no excuse
They are useless
All they do is make me harder
Fighting you harder
Making me weaker.

I need you more than ever.
Because I always fight you
I say I want to be more like you.
But my actions don't prove that I do.
I say that I love you
But I nail you on that cross
Everytime I fight you
And defy you.

Oh my God,
Oh Jehovah,
God of Jacob
Lord over all the Earth.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you
And I thank you for all you do;
The faith that you have in me
To trust you, and the life that you plan for me.
I know that I fight you
And I've said it a thousand times;
I don't want to fight you
And I know I make mistakes
But I pray for you to hear me
To use me for your will.
Take me and break my willingness to fight.
Because this life isn't about me
It's about what you plan.
Amen.