Letters and Mistakes

10600587_10204764587811044_3323353174422219428_nby Devin Mitchell Durbin19 Nov 2014

I write letters, and I've made mistakes
and we've all experienced what it's like in a heart break.
And I want to take all these riddles
and hang them from the walls
and show the world what it means when we stand tall.
Out of the ashes we rise,
some kind of new life.

I remember what it was like in Florida
when I ran from a family
that didn't feel like a family
and How I hid from the voices
that left me defenseless
and fed me these visions
of me as another person.
And I can count how many times
I thought to end my life on one hand.
But, each one is etched so perfectly in my mind
that I can't forget a single feeling
that didn't come right through me.
Now I'm here in this moment
trying to feel those old feelings
just to write a poem.
And honestly, honesty is getting sickening
and the words I'm looking for weaken me
but I feel an obligation to those who love me
and to the other me beyond the mirror
to conquer all this fear.

I've been taught a lot about love,
and it comes in different shapes and sizes
and it's different than what I saw before.
Love doesn't have to be fearful
Love is a choice that one can make
to choose to love someone in spite
of the mistakes that we make.
And while I let myself die a little each night
and I thought of ending my life
of drinking myself into a stupor
of fighting the image that God created me in
and trying to cover myself in makeup
and a fake kind of grace;
there was a person and people praying for me.
Hoping that I'd come out of this wiser
but not with a different name.
And I thank God each day
when I wake up and I'm me.

Yeah, I have changed a lot,
but the things on that list include
a beard, about a 100 pounds
and an appreciation for plaid.
Rather than long hair, and breasts
and high heels.
My story isn't uncommon,
but it's entirely unique
in the fact that God got me through
the darkest of these days
and put me on a path
to save me from my demons
and lead me to a better day.