This poem really means a lot to me. At the heart of it is an experience I had when on holiday with my family in New Zealand. The first night in Auckland, we rented a motel room which had only a queen sized bed and a sofa bed. My brother took the sofa bed, my dad and I shared the queen bed (we're a family!!). As someone very sensitive to slight noises when I sleep, my dad's loud snoring really disturbed me so I took a blanket and a pillow, and slept in the only other available space in the small room - on the floor between the back of the sofa bed and the dining table. It was a terribly small space, it was dark, it was cold, I was in an unfamiliar environment, and I felt so so alone, my family felt so far away, lost as they were in their own sleep. I felt so abandoned and so utterly desolate, I didn't know what to do. At 3 am NZ time, I texted my friend, and it was around 10-11pm SG time. Thank goodness she was awake, her casual remarks lightening my mood and bringing me hope like nothing else could, in the midst of the darkness.
I told her how I missed home, which vaguely veiled the layers and layers of despair I felt, and her humorous response really gave me comfort.
But what she didn't know was that: that incident, plus many other instances before and afterwards, gave me really conflicting feelings that I struggled with for a long time. I hope she never reads this, but I felt attracted to her. Maybe it was just my way of seeking solace and comfort, like how moths are attracted to the light and warmth, especially against the backdrop of a tumultuous and confusing new school environment.
But I felt attracted to her, quite strongly too. I didn't know what to do with the feelings, I had never previously seriously contemplated if I was lesbian before. But she made me really question myself. And even if I came to the conclusion that I was (which to this day I am still unsure), I knew she would never return the feelings.
This poem is me celebrating the beautiful feelings I had, and also recognizing how we will always remain friends, nothing more than that.