Dsc02480by Michelle Seyner27 Sep 2019

I know I am not dead, yet.
(No thanks to you, by the way.)
But since you are family,
at least by blood,
I think about the things
I will bequeath to you,
so, listen up, even though
I know
my mere existence,
to you, is tedious fine print.
I'll leave you my years
with you enclosed in the
mirror of my memories -
so you can take a hard look
at yourself, and see yourself
through MY eyes.
I leave you all my poems
you destroyed, maybe
you can reassemble them,
some day, if you are bored.
I leave you the cat you stole
from me, and the books you
ripped up before my eyes.
I'll leave you the clothes
I wore, the first time I
was raped (ya know,
that time I didn't even
bother to tell you about)
along with the garbage
bag of clothes that was
brought to me after I was
thrown out of the house -
I have outgrown them,
but they still might
fit you.
For you I leave the tape
of every horrible, hateful thing
you have ever said to me,
and that has been on repeat
ever since. The sound quality
is actually quite good.
I decided to give you
all the toys you took from me,
as a child, because I didn't
get to play with them anyway,
so you might as well keep them.
I give you every single drop of my
blood you ever spilled - you might
be able to paint your garden fence
with it. I leave you every single
bruise, along with the instruments
you used to cause them, because,
let's be real: it's the only way
you'll ever remember me by -
if you would care to, anyway.
I give you every meal I
ever choked on, and every
tear I ever cried over you,
and every single time I
ever prayed for death.
I give you the weight of everything
you forced me to do,
and the humiliation you
heaped on top of it.
And that, that's only what
you inherit from my childhood.
From my adulthood,
I give you my absence.
It's really how you like to see
me best.
I give you the gift of not knowing me,
and not ever having to know me.
I bequeath to you
every suicide note I've never written,
every smile never caused by you,
or directed at you,
I give you the muzzle and the leash
and the shame you used to
keep me in check with.
This is the legacy you left me.
I bequeath it back to you.
It has always been yours,
That's your biggest betrayal,
isn't it? Giving all of this
to me, to carry, when it
was solely YOURS, all along.
You can have it back now.
I do not need it.
And lastly, I'll have you know
that I am forging
the voice you denied me
into an instrument
to sing with,
and, eventually, very few
of my songs
will even mention
your name anymore.
Of everything you have
unwillingly given me,
my voice is the only thing
I'll gladly keep.

26 September 2019.
Michelle Seyner.