Scar Tissue.

Dsc02480by Michelle Seyner27 Oct 2019

I can still get
frightened out of my wits
by somebody opening
the door to my room
without knocking -
even though I now live
in a house where
people love me.
But, still, when that happens,
waves of terror run through
me, freezing my blood,
and I grit my teeth,
ball my fists,
try and breathe through
the thumping
of my heartbeat
injecting the terror
in my bloodstream -

and I can't avoid it,
I cannot prevent it,
I cannot tell
when this will happen,
or when it will not -
or why...

but when it does,
it either scares
or exasperates
my loved ones
to see the anguish
on my face,
to see me tense up,
braced for the impact
that is not coming,
and, then, agonizingly slowly,
unknotting slightly when
I realize this.

And when this happens
as it still, too often, does,
I huddle in my room,
alone,
ashamed to my core
that most of me
is scar tissue.

26 October 2019.
Michelle Seyner.