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Its been nearly 2 years and I was lost for words, til now...

And Everything Changed

Fdf5205c-8b5b-4da8-a6dc-63fe28d680a9by Billy J. Stewart03 Feb 2018

You came to the house,
At the Wake,
Joining the mourners in the front room.
Tea and sandwiches on borrowed plates,
Buns and scones with lashings of condolences.
Or jam, if you like.
Slap it on with a silver spoon.
I saw you, caught your eye,
And for a moment we just...
Then catching myself on, tore my gaze away.
Ashamed.
Embarrassed.
Mortified actually.
I can still remember the days back then,
And how it was,
At that moment, when we fell.
Ah, that taste...yes
...no.
Resonating and bouncing around in my head,
For eons.
Millennia of aching hurt
Our little sordid secret, holding me to ransom.
I had to call you out, you know, just for a minute.
Out of the room of tea, and polite platitude.,
To hand you the stick to beat me up.
I had swallowed my heart, and it was punching a hole in me.
But I had to say stuff, lest I dissolve,
Right there and then on the spot.
Og God...sweet Lord...
Could I even begin to say..?
Ugh...
Can I have a quick word..?
So into the porch we traipsed,
Alone.
Just you and me.
Like that time,
When under the summer stars we lay down,
By the river.
I tried to be calm, and dignified.
But I nearly fell over,
I could not hold it back.
And in blurting it out,
In saying the unsaid,
In grasping the nettle,
In calling up the burning sins of long ago,
I could only apologise.
Repenting in sackcloth,
Bathing in ashes.
Hearing the clock tick
Through silent air, afore an invisible audience that only I could see.
I was finished with running away.
It had to end, one way or the other.
So I tripped over my ill-conceived speech,
Carpe Diem, huh, sure!
And yet...I felt the earth move beneath my feet.
Time shifting in a cosmic, tectonic shock,
Bringing us back to here and now.
I shuffled,
Watching the floor and examining the tile grouting,
I braced for the inevitable response,
Your fists, your barbs, your righteous indignation..
Running the risk ratios in my head like a compulsive gambler.
And all at once...

...Everything changed.
The gall I harbored in my bones
Was just...gone.
The wrapping of guilt and shame
Evaporated before me.
And you, to compound my confusion, were full of warmth,
Overflowing in affirmation,
Pouring it over my sorry head.
Yes...
And then...
Yes...Everything changed.
And I...I was astounded,
Astonished,
Gobsmacked, on my back heels.
And I, the fool.
This the climax
This surely the reward I had not awarded myself.
This, when surely I get my comeuppance.
This, the upside down payment for my toils,
The bitter-sweet moment of epiphany.
Surely not.
No...

What utterly,
Amazing,
Grace.

And I, the "WordCatcher", for once, am lost,
Just totally lost,
For words.