The Guilty Party

Win_20140430_161040by RBMG15 Sep 2014

There’s a fuzzy glow around your head,
(Which I love) and when you stub your toes
Even your curses sound seductive.
You look good unshaven, or clean-shaved,
(Especially in that red shirt you have).
Your eyes show me a new colour every day.
I remember counting the number of freckles
On your nose (and I love all eight of them)
But your hands are my favourite thing.
In them are my hands, my heart, my life,
And a cup of coffee (sometimes all at the same time)
Though sometimes they’re callous, and sometimes they
Hold me too tightly; at least they hold me at all.
The hairs on your arm stand on end when I say your name,
You say that it’s because my voice makes you shiver
But i think it’s the chill down your spine that you feel when you’re uneasy
Like someone is walking on your grave.
Now I’m afraid to call your name
Because I’m afraid of the way you respond.
It’s not through speech, nor through a look;
You respond with the sinking feeling in your stomach,
By your grimace at the sound of my voice, like nails on a chalkboard,
You respond by looking away.
Out of guilt, out of ease, you stay to appease me.
Now I’m lucky if I can sit opposite you at the table,
If I can read the newspaper once you’re done with it,
If I get to touch you without you wishing I were someone else.
And I know that this isn’t love anymore,
And I know that the more time that passes the more you’ll learn to resent me,
But I can’t stop myself.
The rhythm of your heartbeat becomes slower and slower,
So I slow mine down too.
The light in your eyes becomes dimmer and dimmer,
So I dim mine down too.
The touch of your skin becomes harder and harder,
But I can’t refuse.
There’s a man in you, somewhere, that used to love me.
There’s a part of you, somewhere, that still does,
But I can’t find it.
The guilt that you feel becomes bitter
And leaves the taste in your mouth for its relief
Now your hands that grasp me too tightly turn to traps,
Interlocked with my own, and I’m stuck; I’m caught
With nowhere to go but downwards
So blindly I leap.
It’s into your arms that I fall but then we fall down together
And we’re drowning, we’re sinking,
And my breath turns to bubbles which are bursting around me
And I can’t see your face
But I can feel what you’re trying to show me
Through your vacant eyes
Which don’t see me anymore.
I feel your hand unwind from mine
And the rope that you’ve pulled yourself up with
Is wrapped around my neck
And I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
At the thought of you
And I try to remember your freckles
And the colours in your eyes
And the way you laughed
And your crooked smile
But the memories catch in my throat
And as I swallow them down they become heavy
And thick
And sticky
Now the fuzzy glow around your head,
(Which I love) fades into the depths around me.