i feel all of it

Whatsapp_image_2019-03-24_at_16.04.23__1_by Jessica Hopkins17 Feb 2018

i feel all of it:
the neglect,
the inadequacy,
the disappointment.

every word i speak, think, write
-- i loathe.

I can't find myself
from behind these masks,
i can't know
how to lift this anvil
from my heart.

i feel all of it:
every nerve is numb
yet burns with an endless ache.

every muscle is strained
to maintain its face

i want to let go --
i hate myself: i can't.