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This is not my story, but a story still dear to my heart. I know from both personal and professional experience the affects of sexual violence. I have made it my mission to spread awareness and healing through poetry and other aspects of my life.

S.A.A.M (Sexual Assault Awareness Month)

Sp_regby Soulistic_Poet®12 Jan 2014

As I close my eyes and prepare for bed
It hits me
Like a thousand knives
And a million pins
Memories of that night pierce my head
I can still see the barrel of the gun
Cold steal
Intense heat
Staring me in the eye
“Lay down, don’t fight, and trust me you won’t die….”

I spent a life time trying to avoid this very thing
Don’t state out too late
Drive my own car out on dates
Have a whistle and a pepper spray
In case I needed to escape
Always dress appropriately
No skirt too short
No top too low
No heals too high
Not too much skin should show
Bring my own money
Buy my own drinks
Never leave it unattended
Watch the bartender while he mix
Never go out alone
Never go to the bathroom on my own
Never let a stranger
Be the one to take me home
Drink and have fun
But be aware of those around me
And if I ever I need to scream
Make sure I do it loudly
Always know where my exist are
Never go alone to the bar
Have an exit strategy
In the event a mother fucker takes it too far
I have always been prepared
Did what I had to do to be safe
And somehow all this knowledge
Wasn’t enough
To stop the painful rape...

As I close my eyes and prepare for bed
It hits me
Like a thousand knives
And a million pins
Memories of that night pierce my head
I can still see the barrel of the gun
Cold steal
Intense heat
Staring me in the eye
“Lay down, don’t fight, and trust me you won’t die….”

It was five years ago
But if you ask me
It might as well have been yesterday
I don’t care what you’ve been told
Time does not take the pain away
It was just another night
Just another midnight
I hopped in my bed
Turned off my light
Drifted off into the land of dreams…
1:39 a.m.
All I hear is “don’t scream
Do everything I say
And when I’m done I’ll just leave”
Before I even had a chance to respond
He had his left hand up my shirt
And his right hand on the trigger of his gun
“Now I promise if you don’t fuck up
This will be really fun
But if you lose your mind
And try to fight
Then my love your life is done”
All I could do was nod
Agreeing to not fight for my life
Nor to disapprove with his actions

He placed the gun on the floor
Slid it across the room
Came back on the bed
And removed his shirt
His pants
His shoes
Then whispered baby whatever you do
Don’t move
His left hand on my breast
His right hand on my thigh
His tongue in my mouth
His eyes locked in with mine

I let out a deep breath
And a low toned “please don’t”

His left hand on my mouth
His right hand between my legs
One finger
Two fingers
Three fingers deep in
My eyes begin to water
From the pain I was feeling
Forceful with his movements
Harsh with his thrust
I move my legs
He then says
Don’t move
I will shoot you if I must

I let out a deep breath
And a low toned “please don’t”

His left hand on my hip
His right hand on his dick
Expressing his gratitude
For my mound that was wet and thick
Slowly he enters
Making sure it’s all in
I felt it in my back
As he went deeper and deeper within
The pace got faster
His thrust got harder
His reach got deeper
His grip got tighter
My eyes got wider
My tone got lighter
My stomach got weaker
My hope became bleaker

I let out a deep breath
And a low tone “just kill me”

“ssshhhhh baby don’t talk”
I couldn’t help but let out a weep
“ssshhhh baby don’t talk”
I couldn’t help but let out a scream
“Baby you are fucking up
Now shut up, I will soon be done”
Terrified by his anger
Silent I became
While he pounds at my body
Asking me what’s his name
Telling me to remember
There’s no need to feel shame
That his guilty pleasure
Is my pleasured pain
In other words pain and pleasure
Are one of the same

I let out a deep breath
And a low toned “just kill me”

Left hand on my throat
Right hand on my ass
He has reached his limit
The moment will soon pass
Thrusting and Pounding
Pounding and Breathing
Breathing and Sweating
Sweating and Exhaling
“Baby you are the best”
One last kiss of my lips
And a gentle one my forehead
I followed all the rules of safety
Only to get raped in my own bed

As I close my eyes and prepare for sweet dreams
It hits me
With a thousand knives
Or a million pins
I would have preferred it if had just killed me

4-6-12

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